Think Ahead
by Anistasia
Summary: What if... you were right there? All I had to do was open my eyes, and look ahead. ChuckBlair somewhat AU, but hopefully not OC. My first, be kind, rewind, I mean, review. FINALLY, CHAPTER 17 IS UP!
1. Whole Wide World

**Spotted: B and C sharing a cigarette outside of Plant. Hmmm... Could it be that our good girl's getting over the boy?  
You Know You Love Me,  
xoxo Gossip Girl**

10 years ago...

" Where did you go for thanksgiving, Chuck?" Even as an eight year old, Blair Waldorf knew how to make guests feel at ease. Perfect little hostess, just like her mother, and Chuck didn't know what to make of it. Blair shook her brown curls and felt at her hair ribbon, making sure it was straight.  
" I went to Paris with my father and his new friend Tiffany and Nanny. Except I didn't see Dad and Tiffany much, but Nanny took me to a candy store, and I had a chocolate bonbon. It was very good."  
Serena got up on Blair's four poster bed and began bouncing about, looking down on Blair and Chuck sitting on the carpet with a big smile on her face.  
Blair giggled and crawled up on the bed herself to commence bouncing herself, but she bumped the edge of the bed and slithered back to the floor with a pout on her face. Little Nate came out of the bathroom, rubbing his freshly washed hands on his jeans. When he saw Serena on the bed, Nate's eyes lit up and he crawled over the headboard to start jumping in time with Serena, who burst into fresh giggling.  
Sitting next to Chuck, Blair crossed her arms, clearly upset, " Come down and sit with me Nate!'  
" I'm... jumping... with... Serena..."  
" I'm sitting with you, Blair," Chuck offered.  
She pulled a pouty face and looked at Chuck appreciatively.

... And now

She leaned up against the brick exterior of the nameless nightclub and fumbled in her bag for a cigarette. When she was truly stressed, she could count on a cigarette to make her feel at least marginally better. It was raining, and the street was dark and gloomy around her. Her Louis Vuitton tote nearly fell open as she searched for her Capris.  
" Fuck!" She set the thin white stick, what her mother called cancer-in-a-carton, in her pouty red mouth as her book of hotel matches drop into a puddle.  
" Fucking Fuck!"  
" Here." She caught a glimpse of scarf fringe in the corner of her eye and a steady flame danced in the front of her.  
Her eyes dragged past a pair of black leather boots, immaculately cut gray jeans, and a black leather jacket flanked with a monogrammed scarf. They settled on a smirking face with sparkling brown eyes. Chuck Bass.  
" Jerk." She leaned forwards and breathed in deeply as he chuckled.  
" Such language! What would your mother say?" Chuck leaned and crashed against the wall next to her, " I always liked it when you were bad."  
" Go to hell, Chuck. Can't you just leave me alone for five minutes?"  
" I guess not. Why did you leave the party?"  
" Guess why." She looked him straight in the eye.

" Nate! Nate!" Blair Waldorf had woven through the crowd looking for a glimpse of her ex. He had promised to be here and that they could talk.  
" Blair! Over here!" Kati and Isabel waved from the bar, holding out a peach Bellini for Blair.  
She craned her neck and finally, finally caught the eye of her chiseled ex across the dance floor. She waved and saw an expression of horror cross his face as Blair saw a blond head lean against Nate's shoulder as a slow dance came on.  
She needed to get out of here.

Blair Waldorf had always had her whole world worked out. Graduate high school, go to Yale, move in with Nate in a gorgeous brownstone, have a dream wedding, and a little girl named Grace and little boy named Nate jr., and then live happily after ever. The end. She wanted a fairytale.  
And now her fairytale was all ruined. Nate and she had broken up, and she had lost her virginity in the back of a limo with... ugh... Chuck Bass. And, to top it all off, her stress was literally making her sick. She couldn't take it anymore.

" Nate again?" He asked, his eyes boring into hers, making her feel slightly uncomfortable.  
She rolled her eyes, " You're a genius."  
" I figured it was either that of Serena and her dork. Made me sick."  
She gave a token laugh, " I thought nothing made you sick."  
" Almost nothing."  
They lapsed into silence.  
" Chuck why are you here?"  
" I don't know, I just saw you leave and I figured I'd try and... I don't know," His eyes averted slightly.  
" Chuck, I don't want to hear it right now." She took a drag of her cigarette with shaky hands.  
" Hear what?"  
" You know. Butterflies," She wiggled her fingers in the air mockingly, taking a quick drag of her cigarette.  
" I wasn't..."  
" Remember what we agreed. No more talking about it. It didn't happen, right?"  
" Yeah, yeah, right."  
" I didn't mean to be mean. I just... I'm still upset about Nate."  
" Yeah, I know..." He flipped his scarf over his shoulder and stepped out from under the awning, " I gotta go do some stuff."

_She breaks my heart, every damn time. What the hell is wrong with me?_  
He stalked up the street and his limo appeared as if by magic on the curb and the driver rolled down the windows.  
" Need anything Mr. Bass?"  
" No, James, I'm just gonna walk."  
" Are you sure?"  
Are you sure?  
" Yeah."  
He walked up the street slowly as the rain drizzled on and off.  
_What the hell is the matter with her? Nate's all wrong for her._  
_" What, and you're right?"_  
_Well... no... not really, but..._  
_" Admit it."_  
_Admit what?_  
He stomped the ground angrily, stepping hard in a puddle as water splashed all over his $300 jeans.  
" Fuck."  
_I love her. But she loves Nathanial._  
_Bastard._  
That's all she's ever wanted. A shining knight, a pink castle, unicorns, and perfect kids, someone to make everything perfect. A happy ending.  
But what about a happy ending for Chuck?

_Why am I hanging around in the rain out here,_  
_Trying to pick up a girl?_  
_Why are my eyes filling up with these lonely tears,_  
_When there are girls all over the world?_

- Whole Wide World, by Wreckless Eric.


	2. One and the Same

Disclaimer: Never owned it, never will.

**Winter is soon over and spring is in the air for our devils and debutantes of the upper east side. It seems B is planning a new charity event for the ASPCA. B loves anything that needs love. Poor N must be all on his lonely without her. But is J still keeping him company or has he found a new someone special? All I know is, the party's more than just a friendly dance. Sharpen your claws ladies, it might get ugly.  
Spotted: B and S buying flowers at Blanc. In keeping with a virginal theme, I suspect. N running in the park with C. Guess the news hasn't gotten around. I and K sharing fattening lattes at the Starbucks on Park. Something to keep you warm on a cold day, never mind cute baristas.  
You know you love me,  
xoxo Gossip Girl.**

Now...

Blair collapsed on her bed in a huff, dropping five carrier bags in the door.  
" B, you've gotta figure out a new system for shopping bags," Serena giggled as she wedged her way in the door.  
" Yeah, I know. But I'm not feeling like putting things away right now," Blair pulled her face into a pillow. She had been feeling tired all day and she didn't know why. Nothing was exciting anymore.  
" So whatever, get the maids to do it." Serena perched like a china doll on the edge of the bed and played with her beaded necklace.  
Blair just grabbed at a pillow and pushed her face into it, shutting her eyes and wishing Serena could just leave her alone. She gave a little yell into the pillow, experimentally, but it did nothing to raise her spirits. Why was she feeling so low?  
" Are you okay? I mean, you didn't seem to be that into shopping, and you love shopping."  
Blair didn't say anything, it felt better to just not admit that she wasn't feeling right. She mused about taking a Zanex or a nap or maybe both.  
" Is something wrong with Nate? He wasn't paying attention to you last night."  
Didn't Serena ever just shut up? It seemed like everyone in Blair's life was filling her up with meaningless advice and chatter.  
Peeking out of the pillow, all she saw was Serena leaning over her worriedly.  
" No," Blair mumbled, " I'm just feeling a little tired, that's all. Maybe I'll take a nap."  
" Oh, good, because Dan wanted to meet me after shopping to hang out," Serena smiled. Blair smiled too, both happy for her best friend and sad for herself. Serena and Dan were more like a movie than Blair and Nate. High society and poetic artist from the wrong side of the tracks- or in this case, central park- fall in love against all odds. Blair and Nate was more like Rich girl gets played and left by idiot boyfriend. Blair liked to imagine her whole life as a romantic movie, like the ones she had watched all the time when she was a kid. So far her movie was a catastrophe.

Then...

The air was cool and crisp, and Blair sat with Serena, folding her hands demurely on her new pink dress for school. It made her feel like a princess, and she wanted to twirl around and show off the full skirt. She settled for giggling  
" Blair, look what my mom showed me to do!" Serena was braiding her hair into two blond plaits, one under each ear. She looked like a princess from Austria or Germany or somewhere equally exotic where it snowed all the time and people lived in gingerbread houses. Blair's imagination could run a mile a minute and the next thing she knew, Serena had started to braid Blair's chocolate curls in the same way. Blair giggled and shut her eyes, willing her hair to turn blond and straight like Serena's. Princess's always had pretty blond hair.  
" What are you doing?" Blair heart Nate and Chuck come running to them.  
" I'm braiding Blair's hair. Isn't it pretty?"  
Nate was standing close to Blair and she hoped he could see what a princess she looked like, not like Serena in her boring jeans and shirt. She practically wiggled with joy.  
" Your hair looks better, Blair's looks... weird."  
Blair frowned as Serena gave her hair a final tug, " I'm done."  
Blair opened her eyes and felt at her hair, slightly frizzy and pulled unwillingly into the braids which were much thicker around than Serena's.  
Chuck was standing a little ways off, his little eight year old arms crossed and there was a frown on his face too.  
" We came over to ask if you wanted to play football with us," Nate said to the girls. Serena grinned and Blair looked down at her dress.  
" I can't ruin my dress, my mother will be mad at me," Blair was sad and relieved at the same time: sad to not play with Nate, and relieved to have an excuse not to play football.  
" Oh, come on Blair, It'll be fun!" Serena clapped her hands together as Blair yanked the hair bands out of her hair and shook her head. She was not going to be made a fool of. Princess's didn't play football, even if they were princess's like Serena.  
" Yeah, come on!" Nate said, but he was already beginning to walk away with Serena. Blair shook her head and sat down again on the bench alone.  
" Okay I guess. Come on Chuck!" Serena called as she ran.  
" In a minute," He called back, looking at Blair.  
He leaned in and whispered, " I like your dress, _and_ your hair. You look like a princess in the stories Mrs. Anders reads us." He smiled gleefully and ran back to the players as Blair grinned. She_was_ a princess. Chuck had said so.

_So whats the use between death and glory?  
How can you choose between death and glory?  
Happy endings, no, they never bored me  
Happy endings, they still don't bore me_

- Fuck Forever, by Babyshambles

A/N: a few things: I'm hoping on updating once weekly for as long as this needs finishing ( hopefully not a long time), and I was wondering if anyone wanted to make a suggestion of a song for one of the future chapters, because if you haven't noticed, every chapter has a new song to go with it. Suggest, rate, hate, appreciate...

Ani.


	3. My Lost Love

think ahead ch 3-4

4 Hours Before

" Miss. Waldorf?" Blair heard the soft knocking of the maid on her door as she looked up from her book. Required reading for English class, _Pride and Prejudice_, and this romantic stuff was making her feel sad.  
" Yes?"  
" Mr. Bass is here."  
" Well, just tell him I'm not..."  
" Too late Waldorf," he slid around the maid. Blair looked down. She didn't have to deal with this right now.  
" Chuck, what are you doing here?"  
" I came to see you," He nudged the maid out of the door and shut it behind him.  
" Well you can't see me, I'm with Nate. You shouldn't even be talking to me and I don't want to have sex with you, Chuck. Ever again. Go away." She bit her tongue. He didn't have to look so gorgeous right now, long legs in those fabulous jeans and a handsome silk shirt.  
" Now who said I wanted to see you _that way_. Dirty mind, Waldorf."  
She rolled her eyes, " Then why are you here?"  
" Actually, I'm here as a pathetic messenger from your pathetic boyfriend. Do you want the damn thing or not?"  
" What is it?" Blair leapt up. Nate was trying to give her something, a present. She had to have it.  
He pulled an envelope out of his well cut leather jacket and handed it to her, hesitantly.  
She snatched it out of his hand. Blair wasn't going to let Chuck's little crush jeopardize Nate's present. The envelope had her name scrawled in Nate's scratchy handwriting.  
It also had an open flap.  
" Did _you_ open this?"  
He hissed, " Of course."  
She turned her back to him and pulled the creamy paper out of the envelope, running her finger lightly over the engraved _Nathanial Archibald_ before she read the message:

Blair-  
Please forgive me and give me a chance to explain to you.  
I'll be waiting for you at the plaza bar at 8. Please see me.  
I'm so sorry,  
Nate

She winced and shivered as Chuck ran his finger up and down her spine through her clothes.  
" Get out of here," She whispered menacingly and shut her eyes. In the deepest darkest pit of her soul, Blair wished he wouldn't go.  
" No thanks."  
" You read this, you know what's going to happen. I will be with Nate, and you know it. Just go away and we can forget this whole thing ever happened. I'm just a fling," Blair whispered, trying to mentally fit a short affair with the supporting character into her miserable movie. His hands drew away from her. This could never work, Chuck just had to realize it.  
" I love you," He breathed, haltingly, into her ear. She froze.  
Her mind raced and she turned around to face him, but he was already out of the room and closing the door behind him.

" Yes, I'd like to buy a one way to Heathrow for tonight, please," Chuck pulled out his most charming smile at the woman at the desk as she blushed. Of course it was a waste of the smile, she was much older than he and smelled of stale cigarette smoke. But it was worth it.  
" We have a first class ticket leaving at 6, and coach leaving at 11:27 PM," She looked over his expensive clothes, obviously expecting...  
" I'll take the coach," He slurred, betraying the shots he had had before leaving the house.  
" Are you sure sir..."  
" Yeah, I got some stuff I gotta do first." He handed over his credit card without another word and snatched the tickets out of her wrinkled hands, barely noticing the flash of a cell phone camera to his right.

Now

**Spotted: C at JFK buying a ticket to London. Running away never solved anything C. You can't stay away for long.**  
**xoxo GossipGirl**

Blair shut her phone and sighed. She was wrong. She had to be wrong. He was probably just buying the ticket for his dad. He couldn't leave. He was still her friend, Nate was still her boyfriend. Blair had to admit it to herself, concealing it in the deepest vault of her mind, that she would really miss him if he left.  
She sighed again, throwing her cell onto the bed behind her as she stood in front of the mirror, her hands hanging limply at her sides. She was wearing a gray silk and lace dress and matching heels, conservative and, she hoped, slightly sexy. She had to get Nate back, she just had to. And tonight at the plaza, she was going to.  
She stood silently for a minute running over the fantasy in her mind: Graduate, travel, engagement, marriage... But every time she tried to imagine kids, instead of little boys with Nate's wavy hair and eyes, she saw a dark haired boy with a smirk. When her veil was lifted, it wasn't Nate who was smiling at her...  
Shaken from her daydream, She heard some muffled talking in the foyer, and crossed the room in two quick strides, hoping it wasn't what she thought it was.  
She heard her mother's voice first, " Oh, Rosa, it's only Mr. Bass. How are you Charles?"  
" Fine Mrs. Waldorf," Blair could practically hear Chuck's charming smile, " Is Blair in?"  
" Yes, but I think she's going out in a moment. Would you like me to call her?" Mrs. Waldorf was practically giggling like a schoolgirl. Parents loved Chuck.  
" No, It'll only be a short visit, I'll go up to her room."  
" Oh, alright then."  
Blair, panicking, slid her fingers through her chocolate curls. He couldn't be here, not now, not before her plans were completed.  
She had no time to prepare before her door flew open and slammed shut in quick succession and Chuck had pulled her into his arms, lifting her slightly, and pressing his lips on hers tenderly.  
Blair could smell the scotch on him as he tangled his hands in her hair, but kept the kiss so sweet. Rational thoughts excused themselves from her mind, as she wrapped her arms around his neck and held tight. He had never kissed her so sweetly before, so tender and gentle.  
He pulled back slowly and searched her face over with his eyes. He had such pretty eyes, with long dark lashes. This close she could see that his eyes, which she had always thought of as being so dark as to almost be black, had the slightest touch of hazel.  
He looked at her for what seemed to be eternity, and then his eyes hardened and he whispered, " I'm going."  
She wanted to shout " Don't go," but the words died on her lips when he whispered, " You shouldn't keep him waiting. Nathanial isn't a patient man."  
A strangled sound escaped from her throat.  
He let her go gently, dropping her until her feet touched the ground.  
As he turned towards the door, her mind raced and she found herself practically shouting, " Why?"  
He didn't even turn around, but stood still, and Blair could see Chuck shaking, " Because I'm not... I'm just... not..."  
" What?" She didn't understand.  
He just closed the door hard behind him.

_Lost love in the desert,_  
_Lost love on the sea,_  
_If you can put it behind you,_  
_But it's still beyond me._

- _Lost Love_, by Golden Smog

A/N: I don't know if this is an early or late update, but it is an update nonetheless. It ends on a bit of a down note, but believe me, it'll get better. I especially like the dialogue at the end of this.

thanks to ALL my lovely Reviewers, whom I adore:  
Blood Red Kiss of Death: Yes, I read the books first, and I tried to put in as much of Blair's character as I could.  
Jnifer: I love flashbacks too! None in this, but I plan on a big long flashback in the next chapter.  
darkangel1910: Blair might be more than just... sick... lol...  
winchestergrl13 & MegDallen: Thanks!

If anyone has song suggestions, I'm all ears!


	4. Enough For Your Dreams

Disclaimer: still don't own it.

Back Then...

Blair sat in the front row, her back straight and tall, as she watched Mrs. Poitier drone on and on about the ancient Greeks. She peeked cautiously out of the corner of her eye to see Nate across the aisle from her. He was twirling his pen in his hands and lounging, his legs up on the desk. He looked so fantastic, so much better than the other eighth grade boys whose idea of a good time was making out with sluts and drawing lewd pictures. She glanced back down at her textbook, thinking hard, mentally willing him to hear her: ask me out, ask me out...

Next to Nate, Chuck could see Blair look at the boys and then look down swiftly at her desk, shutting her eyes tightly and biting her lip. He knew it meant she was wishing something. Was she looking at him or at Nathanial, who was lazily doodling a penis in the margins of his books. Chuck sunk down in his seat, his stomach fluttering uncomfortably, knowing that it was not him she was wishing for.  
Glancing back, he caught the eyes of a pretty redhead sitting a few seats behind Blair. She was staring at him, so he winked. So what if he couldn't have Blair. There were other girls, right? _Right_?

Now...

" I know I've made mistakes and I know I don't deserve it, but Blair you know I can't live without you. I'd be lost without you. And you know how helpless..." Nate sat across from her, his hands clasped tightly around hers. She looked down at his hands then, noticing how short and stubby his fingers were, how rough his skin felt. She should be happy, she should be listening to him talk right now, relishing his begging.  
But she couldn't keep that kiss out of her mind. She hadn't ordered a drink yet, and her mouth still tasted of scotch and Chuck. She licked her lips a little, realizing how wrong it was, to be here with Nate and tasting Chuck on herself.  
_Slut_, a traitor demon voice inside of her whispered.  
She thought about what he had said, puzzled. He just wasn't _what_?  
Nate was looking at her expectantly, his eyes filled with hope, but she could see his smugness. And why shouldn't he be smug? She wanted this, right? That was the reason for all this primping and planning, to be with him. Her stomach sank in something that felt acutely like disappointment. Why wasn't he worried that she would say no? Wasn't she even worth that worry? His smugness made her feel dirty, like he knew all along that she was planning to be with him. He would never really be hers.  
She pulled her hands away, slowly, and reached into her purse. Inside was his promise ring, that Nate had given to her in the eighth grade. It was silver, plain, with a tiny pink sapphire in it that he had fished out of his mother's jewelry chest. As she looked in his eyes, fingering the ring inside of her purse, she felt tainted.  
_Isn't that what Chuck wanted to do, taint me? Make me into some kind of... something?_ Nate's eyes weren't sincere and they weren't worried. Why wasn't he worried?  
She moved her hands along the ring, her nimble fingers rubbing hard against the silver until... the sapphire popped out of it's casing.

An hour before...

Chuck had waited for her, standing outside of her room for a moment with baited breath. He had gone out on a limb for her, hoping and praying that she would have said something, anything.  
His stomach had twisted into knots waiting, but she never came for him. He had asked, waited, and was rejected. And Chuck had reached in his pocket and held the velvet box in his fist, waiting for it to break, for his gift for Blair to be destroyed like everything else.

_He pulled back slowly and searched her face over with his eyes._

She hadn't said a word, just looked at him curiously with those brown eyes that reminding him of his dreams. Inside of his pocket, the velvet box was scorching a hole through his jeans, burning his skin with the words he couldn't say: I want you to be mine.  
But she hadn't said a word, and he searched her eyes but couldn't find anything there just dreaminess. She was always dreaming of something, looking for some little goddamn plot device for her infernal internal movie. She was probably dreaming of Nate punching Chuck for kissing her.  
But he had to do it, he just _had_ to. He had to tell her, give himself one more chance before he gave up. If she had said anything, anything at all, but she hadn't.

_As he turned towards the door, her mind raced and she found herself practically shouting, " Why?"_  
_He didn't even turn around, but stood still, and Blair could see Chuck shaking, " Because I'm not... I'm just... not..."_  
_" What?" She didn't understand._

" Because I'm not ever going to be enough for your dreams," He had whispered it into the darkness of the hall as he slowly walked towards the elevator.

_If I told you I love you would it move you enough to even act as though you've heard?_  
_If i said I was leaving would you still find a reason to ignore my every word?_  
-Do You Care At All, by Plain White T's


	5. Only One

disclaimer: own. nothing. I.

Over the Atlantic...

" Sir? Would you like something to drink?" The stewardess leaned over the seat at the young man in the seat. He was slumped into the cheap blue nylon seat with his eyes closed.  
The man's hand flopped dismissively, and his eyes stayed shut, " Scotch. No ice. And hurry."  
" Uh, that would be five dollars."  
The man reached into his pocket, fumbled, and pulled out a wrinkled fifty dollar bill, " Keep it."

Chuck pressed his palm into his bloodshot eyes, hoping the plane would just crash and burn so he could end it all. His foot was crushed against the luggage of the pinch-faced woman next to him, who was currently snoring against the window with her hand laying on his arm. He shook it off almost violently.  
It was too early in his life to be doing this. He wasn't supposed to be the kind of guy who fell in _fucking_ love.  
" Shit, I really fucked up this time," he mumbled to himself.  
He reached into his pocket and fingered the velvet box again, pulling it out slowly and memorizing it with his eyes. She probably would have hated it. It was most definitely _not_ the Archibald diamond. He flipped it open.  
What had he been thinking? That if he paid enough money and engraved something soppy, that Blair would just drop Nate for him? Fat chance.  
He took it out of the satin cushion, reading the 'Only One', fingering the clear diamonds arranged in a star set into the new platinum. Everything about the ring was new. He was new too; new money, new ring, new everything. Why would she give up the old for the new when she didn't have to?

Back in New York...

Nate had his arm around Blair's waist as they walked farther up the block towards her apartment. She looked down at the gray sidewalk and said nothing as Nate chattered about something or another. In fact, she had been talking very little the entire evening. The only thing she had liked about the night had been her dinner.  
Couldn't Nate tell something was wrong? He was just talking, like nothing was wrong, everything was fine.  
And she couldn't stop thinking about that _kiss_. He was so sweet, and then when he had looked at her... something had gone wrong. What was going on with Chuck, and what was going on with her? Her eyes drifted back to her sexy gray shoes, and she just wanted to go home and sleep.  
" Nate, y'know, can I just go home? I'm... really tired," She rested her hand on his arm.  
" Sure, If that's what you want."  
They walked in silence the four blocks it took to get to her house. He was holding her affectionately, and she was... not paying any attention.

_Baby don't you cry,_  
_You had to bring me down,_  
_We had some fun before we hit the ground._  
- Parachutes, by Sean Lennon


	6. Wishful Thinking

Disclaimer: Go online. Go to wikipedia. Search "Gossip Girl" If my name is anywhere on that page, God is a possum. I swear. I own nothing.

With Him...

He sat in the plane seat as a fat woman with, no lie, four bags with her, slowly made her way off the plane. Damned if she didn't shoot him the 'come get me' look at least twice on his way to the bathroom.  
_Remind me never to travel by commercial plane ever again,_ he thought to himself.  
He liked to wait until everyone was off before exiting himself, but as he looked up the aisle and thought about why he was on the plane in the first place, he got the sudden urge to push himself into traffic and get the hell off this death trap before he went crazy. Just not having her around was making him antsy. He needed someone there to tell about the freaky fat woman and to remind him why he never traveled alone. He felt like one of those horrible cliches, "the guy who runs away."  
But he wasn't really running away per se, he was... well, he didn't know what to call it but it had a name. the longer he stayed, the higher the chances of Blair breaking his heart. So he had taken matters into his own hands and broken it himself. _If only she had said something_!  
He looked down at his phone, flipping it open and turning it on. No missed calls. _Well, what do you expect, you bastard. She's probably fucking Nate by now._ That last thought made him feel sick deep in his stomach knowing it was probably true.  
He hit 'New Text' without thinking about it, punched in Blair's number.

_**Im sorry i just ran out, & didn't say anything.**_  
_**Tell every1 at the party that I'm gone. **_  
_**C.**_

He would have been more hesitant to hit send if she hadn't said nothing, so he just did it and prayed she would find nothing wrong with the text.

With Her...

She was lying on her bed, alone, and her arms ached for something. She clung to her pillow unhappily and shut her eyes. Damn him. Damn him for doing this to her. Fucking damn him.  
She goddamn missed him. Missed him for kissing her and looking at her and then dropping her. _What_ had that been about? Why would he just come in and kiss her like that?  
" What the fuck?" She whispered it into the darkness of her room. She felt like someone had died. Blair Waldorf never stayed in on a Saturday night to lie in bed and think about some boy that was not even Nate. And that's just what he was, a little boy. Little and weak and mean and...  
Damn she missed him.  
Fumbling, she reached out for her light, hoping by some blind chance... there. It was on, and the room wasn't so dark and scary anymore. She looked on the nightstand at the Polaroid camera that she had been meaning to throw away. That reminded her of Chuck. In fact, her whole room reminded her of Chuck. Her sheets _smelled_ like him.  
She hurled her legs over the side of the bed and threw the covers back. She was damned if she was going to be lying in bed thinking about him while he was off in England doing whatever.  
Blair stood and stretched. Her room was deathly quiet, stifling, and all she could remember was that when Chuck would come over, he was never quiet, not even in the dead of night.  
_" Blair."_  
_" Will you be quiet, I'm tired and I am going to sleep, even if you want to stay up all night."_  
_It would be quiet._  
_" And stop staring at me!"_  
And then he would laugh and shake up the whole bed and grab her up in his arms and cuddle her, telling her all manner of things all night. He wouldn't call it cuddling, but that's definitely what it was.  
" Don't call it cuddling. Bass men don't cuddle," He would say to her. But then he would cuddle her. And when he finally fell asleep he would snore. It bothered her at first, and now she missed it.  
_Missed it_! She was losing her edge.  
Her phone vibrated in her purse and she dove for it, realizing too late that she was hoping it was Chuck. She looked at the little 'New Text' dancing across the screen and hit 'read now'.  
Her face contorted into a frown. What was he playing at?

_**Wtf is going on with u?**_  
_**B**_

She waited unhappily, but she just couldn't send it. She erased everything and started over.

_**Ill tell every1 where u r.**_  
_**Have a good trip. **_

She paused and shut her eyes, adding hastily:

_**I miss u.**_  
_**B.**_

'Send'

_Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens,_  
_A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins,_  
_I will never ask, if you don't ever tell me,_  
_I know you well enough to know, you never loved me,_  
_(Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?)_  
- "Cute without the E (Cut From the Team)" by Taking Back Sunday.

A/N  
Bit of a cliffhanger, sorry.  
Thankies to all my reviewers and if anyone has a song, I'm ready for more.  
Ani.


	7. Miss You

I'm oh, so embarrassed to not have updated sooner. I had this big play at school, and rehearsals were like every night. I suck. I'm sorry.  
Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Him...

" I miss you? I miss you? What the fuck?" Chuck whispered at his phone. What the hell was going on?  
He couldn't resist...

_**U miss me, waldorf?**_  
_**hows nate? still a virgin?**_

He tried his hardest to hit send, maybe hurt hurt a little with his words, but he couldn't do it. Instead, he threw his phone on the bed.  
His heart hurt. He felt weak and lost. And if that wasn't enough, his stupid hotel room smelled like roasted goat.  
He probably could have stayed at one of his father's frequented hotels, but he had decided against it, partially for anonymity and partially for staying well off his dad's radar. But as he looked around the room, tacky with shades of 70's pistachio and chartreuse, he wished he had picked somewhere with at least a hint of class. Then again, class would have reminded him of what he was missing, so maybe this was best.

_**goodnite b**_

That was all he could say.

Her...

" _Bastard_," Blair cursed quietly as she shuffled around her room.  
_I can't just stay here and do nothing, I'll go crazy, _she thought. Her heart sank a little as she glanced over at her desk where, next to the neat stacks she had made that morning, was chuck's unopened invitation. Quickly, she dashed over and ripped open the envelope, her heart giving a little skip as the expensive paper tore.

Constance Billiard's Environmental Club

request the pleasure of

_Mr. & Mrs. Bass and_  
_Charles Bass's_

company  
at a Ball

to be held in the Greenwood Clubhouse  
on the evening of November the seventh  
at ten o'clock.  
for the benefit of  
the ASPCA

Tickets fifty dollars

She had been debating whether or not to cross Chuck's name out and rewrite the invitation until her mother insisted that everyone be invited, even Scarf Boy. But Blair had not been sure she wanted him to come. And now that he wasn't even going to be in town, she didn't know what to do. All she could think about now was how much she _really_ wanted him there.  
_He's just a friend. I'm just missing him like I would miss any friend, _she thought. But her hands betrayed her real feelings and began to rip into the paper, tearing it until it was in shreds. She looked down at the ribbons of 150 a ream vanilla, and then she began crying, inexplicably. He was gone, and he didn't know that she wanted him back.

_ Like indecision to call you,  
And hear your voice of treason,  
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?  
stop this pain tonight._  
- "I Miss You" by Blink 182


	8. Conquest, Part 1

**Conquest part 1**  
Disclaimer: I own nothing.

When It All Began...

She was crying again in the third floor bathrooms because Nate had told her that it was over.  
_" I just want to find something... I mean..." Nate stuttered at her._  
_" What are you talking about?"_  
_" This isn't working the way it should."_  
_" What isn't working?" She demanded, although she knew just exactly what he was talking about. Funny, her heart hadn't sunk like a stone in her chest._  
_" Us... this thing, it isn't working... I mean, Blair, you can't really be happy in this relationship? Can you?"_  
_" Of course I'm happy. Nate, I love you!" Her voice faltered and her lip trembled._  
Mrs. Richardson just couldn't refuse a sick pass when she saw Blair's face, and now she could sniffle and sob in peace in the bathroom that nobody ever went in. It was nicknamed 'The Reject' bathroom because it was the bathroom closest to the guidance office and the only girls who ever went in were girls who were disturbed or pregnant- something awful like that. Blair hung her head over the sink and whimpered. She felt like she belonged there, and just that idea made her want to cry even more. Her mascara smeared, and she watched, still sobbing but fascinated as it formed weird watery pools of blackness on the 2-a-square-foot laminate tile.  
" Hey. Blair, are you okay?" She just barely heard the muffled voice from the other side of the thick door. It was Chuck, damn it. The last thing she wanted to see was a boy.  
" Go Away!"  
" Are you in there? Do you want some help?"  
" Fuck off!"  
There was a pause, and for a moment Blair thought he had gone.  
" Blair, I'm not going to leave. Are you sick in there? Did you make yourself throw up?"  
" Leave me _alone_!"  
" You did, didn't you!" His tone was accusatory, " Blair, I'm coming in!"  
" No!" She scrambled to move away from the stuff around her, the notes and letters that she had pulled out to cry over, but when the door began to open, her first instinct was to freeze.  
He opened the door quickly, and stood in front of her angrily. Then he looked at what she was holding and his face went from angry to confused.  
" What are you doing?" He asked.  
" Nothing. I'm not doing anything." She grabbed all of the papers as quickly as she could and tried to stuff them back into her school bag, but Chuck was too quick and pulled one of the letters out quickly, spinning on his heel to read it.  
" Give that back, Chuck, It's not yours!"  
" Of course it's not. I would never write this meaningless crap! You really have him whipped don't you?" He laughed, forgetting that she had been crying, " _I love you with the fire of a thousand suns_? How original!"  
" Give that back, Chuck!" Her voice wavered and she could feel her tired eyes prickle with more tears.  
" Or what?" He had barely noticed her, " I'm going to lord this over him until the day I die, or the day he dies. Whichever is first."  
That was the final straw, Blair's knees nearly gave out and she whimpered and sobbed, making the most unattractive screeching noise as she pulled in more air.  
Chuck looked at her, terrified, " Blair, what happened?"  
" He... broke up with me... he said... we weren't working... and..." She couldn't finish her sentence because Chuck had pulled her up into his chest, his arms around her back, resting his chin on her head.  
" I'm sorry."  
Her hands were shaking, but she hugged him around his waist and burrowed into his cashmere scarf, her tears soaking into the fibers.  
" Blair, take a deep breath."  
She breathed in slowly and finally, after a long time, her tears subsided.  
" Nate's my best friend, Blair, but he's a total prick. I promise, he'll come back to his senses. You two are meant to be, like peanut butter and jelly, right?" He tried to joke.  
" Yeah, I guess. I just... he's hurt me really bad, and I've done nothing to him. I've never cheated on him, I remember all the important dates, I listen when he has a problem, and all he does is... just..."  
" Shit all over it," Blair grimaced, but Chuck carried on, " Then do something back. Bring him up short, Blair. There are plenty of guys who'd give their right nut to get you in the proximity of a bed."  
" That's so crude."  
" I know, but it's true. Get someone new, try it out, and if it doesn't work, then you can go back to your little plan with Nate."  
" But... I don't know who..." She petered off miserably.  
" Blair, just about all of the guys at this school are on the floor for you. Just pick one."  
" I can't just... do that... just go out with some random person... just pick one..."  
" So what. If you pick a bad apple, that's just another."  
She looked up at him, long and hard. Chuck was always doing stuff like this, following her and checking up on her, protecting her from Nate's stupidity. He was looking down at her, his face a blank, and she realized how handsome he was. She had always known that he was generally considered to be one of the hottest boys in school, but of course he was always just Chuck to her.  
He looked at her for a long time and then leaned in slowly and gave her a hard kiss. His lips tasted like scotch and something else, something that was inherently _Chuck_, right down to it's essence. And she kissed him back, her arms snaking up to rest on his shoulders and play lightly with his hair.

_Conquest-_  
_She was just another conquest _  
_Didn't care whose heart was broke _  
_Love to him was a joke _  
_'til he looked into her eyes_  
-"Conquest" By the White Stripes

Authors note:

A few things:

a) omigod am I just such a loser for not writing for so long. I suck. I know.

b) I'm actually thinking of having a lemon in the next chapter, but I don't know. I was going to tell the whole story but then maybe I could skip over the lemonyness and just do some kissing or whatever. I don't know, tell me what you think.

c) Of course as always, I would be happy to put in some songs if anyone has something they think would fit. This is going to be a two part chapter based around one song, "Conquest" by the White Stripes and I think that it fits the story so well I might change the name of the whole thing. But I'll see.

Review, Rate, Hate, Appreciate...


	9. Author's Note

AUTHOR'S NOTE!!

Okay, so I haven't updated in forever. If it helps I secretly hate myself.

The next chapter will be rated M and Think Ahead will officially contain it's first lemon (yay). Just a heads up.

The next chapter (Chapter Nine: Conquest Part 2) will be up on Sunday exactly. I just wanted to post this first to give everyone a heads-up on the change.

xoxo (and sorry),  
Ani


	10. Conquest, Part 2

Disclaimer: If I owned the damn thing, then I wouldn't have gone so long without updating. See? Irrefutable logic.  
whispers in a tiny girl voice PLZ DON'T SUE ME!  
Here it is: the much awaited chapter nine! Ready? Let's go!

**Think Back...**

He groaned softly into the kiss, sending shock waves up and down her body as his tongue made delicate patterns in her mouth. She had never believed that kissing someone could actually make your knees weak, but she probably would have collapsed into a heap if he hadn't been holding her up. She answered his groan with a rough, feminine little whimper that she didn't think she had in her.  
This couldn't be Chuck. No way was it nasty, perverted, annoying... charming, handsome, caring _Chuck_ that she was kissing.  
But it was.  
He pulled away from the kiss gently and rested his forehead against hers, his eyes still closed, breathing big, heavy gulps of air that tickled her face in a way that was disgustingly... sexy? A warm feeling settled in the pit of her stomach and she realized that she was gasping as much as he was. He opened his eyes and smiled at her warmly.  
" You won't believe how long I've wanted..." He was cut of by her mouth on his again, hotter and more passionate that even she expected. Her fingers curled into his soft hair, pulling him in tightly to her. His hand moved to ever so gently rest over her breast and she gripped him by the shoulders and brought him forward, their bodies colliding softly. She wanted... God, she didn't even know what she wanted beyond him, in the crudest sense.  
She broke the kiss but pulled herself closer to his warmth, demanding, " Let's. Go. Now. Call. Car." She punctuated each word with a heavy kiss.  
" God yes," He answered huskily, sending chills up and down her spine with his voice. Not letting go of him, still kissing his neck and chest hungrily, she watched as he texted his driver to pick them up.  
She grabbed her backpack and threw his arms around her waist, forcing him to follow her out of the reject's bathroom. She peeked down the hallway cautiously, then nearly ran towards the exit leading to the courtyard, giggling as he tripped behind her. She opened the door quietly and let them out, almost instantly crouching down in the bushes to avoid being spotted and pulling Chuck with her in the process.  
She tried to crawl hastily towards the parking lot before she was halted by his voice growling in her ear seductively, " Who knew you were such a bad girl?"  
She responded with a deep kiss that intensified the bubbly, hot feeling that was beginning to form in the pit of her stomach.  
" Kiss me like that again and you won't make it out of the bushes," He whispered once she broke the kiss, his lips moving against hers delicately. She giggled and began to drag him once again towards the parking lot.  
Once safely out of view among the few cars in the lot, he grabbed the collar of her shirt and pulled her into a hug. _God help me, he can make a simple hug sexy,_ she thought as he ran his hands up and down her sides, keeping distance from her hips. When she stepped closer to him she was shocked when she felt his erection brush against her thigh temptingly. She moved closer and gasped when she felt it press against her in the most... _exciting_ way. Suddenly she understood all those romance novel's descriptions. It felt _good_!

He stilled, wondering if she could feel her obvious effect. He didn't know how far she and Nate had gone, and God help him he didn't _want_ to know. Not just because it was his best friend's girlfriend (or ex at the time), but because the thought of her and Nate would make him have to admit some uncomfortable feelings for her that shouldn't be there.  
He began to pull away from the hug that was quickly turning into a very embarrassing situation, but she wouldn't let him. She reached down between their bodies and Chuck almost jumped when she rubbed her hand hesitantly across his school pants. He hadn't imagined she would ever do anything like this and he unknowingly let out a strangled moan. She giggled.  
" Blair, we don't have to..." She cut him off with a kiss that made his heart do cartwheels. God help him if he hadn't dreamed about doing this exactly since he was... God knows how old. She kissed him like she wanted him, and the tiny ember of hope- that he had been trying to douse for what seemed like forever- burst into flames. He would do anything to keep her kissing him like this: scale mountains, jump off cliffs... even face Nate in a fight over her, because this was on a higher plane than anything he had ever felt. If she only knew how far he was willing to go, how much he would do. He would deal with his pessimism later when he could convince himself that she didn't care a thing about him, but right now, with her arms around him, he felt like they could be together forever.  
The car began to roll into the distance, and Blair smiled into the kiss, beginning to pull him gently towards the curb. How did she get so confident? He probably would have asked himself if it weren't for the fact that his mind was miles away. Blair wasn't the only dreamer.  
They collapsed into the backseat, fumbling for the door and the button to close window between the driver's and passenger's seats.  
" Where to?" James asked.  
She broke off the kiss for a moment, " Waldorf Penthouse, please." Then she brushed his hand away from the controls and pressed the button soundly, cutting James absolutely out of the equation.  
" Always so polite," He stated, grinning.  
She just shook her head and kissed him again, grinding her hips against him invitingly. Pulling from the kiss, he clenched his teeth together and groaned.  
" Not too fast Waldorf, please," He wanted it to last. He could wait until they got to her apartment. He had been waiting for a lifetime, he could wait a little longer. She groaned in frustration and ground against him again, earning his pants of grudging approval.  
" Wait!" He gasped out. _She'll be the death of me_, he thought.  
" I don't want to wait," she said, grinding against him hard, " please?" He moaned.  
" Yes!" He nearly shouted as she moved her hand down to palm him roughly. The longer she continued this, the less time he had. He decided to focus her away from himself.  
Moving his hand down, he gently rubbed her hand to encourage her and then moved straight to the apex of her thighs, bypassing the skirt and moving straight for her slightly damp panties. He stroked her generously and was rewarded with a stunned gasp. Her hand stilled immediately and he took a deep breath to calm himself before he continued.  
" _Chuck_..." She breathed readily and he smiled, stroking gently, " _More, Chuck, please_..."  
He moved the panties aside, slowly, and began to touch her unhindered, rubbing her clit in torrid circles and thoroughly enjoying the reaction. She gasped, her face flushed, and she moved her hips against his hand unknowingly. She was breathing hard nonsense into his neck and he smiled at her.  
He slowly began to slide a finger into her and she tensed for a moment, then relaxed as he began to very, _very_ slowly thrust into her. She writhed and whimpered under his attentions.  
" Faster... harder..." she voiced between moans, " More... more... _more_..."  
He picked up the pace, added another finger, thrusting in time with her gasps and circling her clit with his thumb. She leaned up to kiss him deeply, but slower this time as she gasped helplessly for him. She was _so close_. He watched, utterly enthralled as her mouth opened and her moans slowly morphed into quiet shouts of ecstasy.  
" Oh... Chuck!" She finally culminated, falling limp in his arms as her liquid lust flooded his hand. He tried so hard to keep from smiling like a goddamn idiot when she yelled out his name, and turned away, pretending to wipe off his hands on a towel kept by the limo's bar. Instead he hastily licking his fingers off, savoring the taste before coming back to the seat to rest with her. Her eyes drifted shut, and she pulled him into a warm kiss and an embrace. It was only then that he realized that it might end just there as he pulled her against him. She sighed and rested her soft head against his chest. He still had a raging hard on, but this was nice. She shifted slightly, still clutching his side, and he had to suppress a laugh at the realization that they were both still fully clothed. He also had to suppress a sensation a little further south that was becoming rather painful, to tell the truth. He would just have to make it to her apartment without her noticing, and then find some way to get rid of his erection in whatever stage it was in. No girl had ever given him blue balls before, and he hoped that it wasn't as uncomfortable as he anticipated.  
" That was incredible," She sighed.  
He grunted in reply, trying as hard as he could to not relive the glorious memory of her shouting his name in such pleasure.  
" Chuck, wasn't that incredible?" She asked, curiously anxious.  
" Yes it was incredible," He tried to mask the disappointment, and to his surprise he failed, " We're almost there. I'll walk you to your door."  
" Don't you want to come up?" She asked.  
" If you want me to, yes," He said gently. She smiled and shifted him into a passionate kiss. He lost track of his goal and their bodies brushed against each other _just so_ and he froze. She giggled.  
" Oh, I forgot," She said, blushing, but before he had a chance to deny it she pulled him into another rough kiss that made him forget everything beyond his immediate scope: her.  
She rushed into him again, making him almost jump off the seat in lust. She even knew what she did to him, and she giggled into the kiss. Before he had the presence of mind to stop her she had opened the window and asked the driver to circle the block, closed the window, and begun to remove various hindering layers of clothing.  
" We can stop, I don't mind, real..." She broke him off again with a kiss and her hands on his belt. He gasped helplessly as she pushed down his uniform pants and boxers and moved to straddle him, playing with his erection curiously.  
He gasped out a struggled admission of defeat and she gigglingly positioned him under her.  
" I don't think this will work," He said. She was moving too quickly but it felt so good. She was still playing with him, moving his cock across her damp underwear. She wriggled out of them, leaving the offending clothing on the floor and slid back over him.  
He bit his lip and gasped, unsure of what to do until she kissed him deeply, grasping at his hair hungrily. He just struggled to touch as much of her as she could, pulling off her shirt and her skirt as she made quick work of his clothes. Soon they were naked to each other, stroking and touching. He leaned down to lavish attention on her breasts, first the left then the right as she curled closer to him in arousal. She pushed their bodies together and he arranged his erection under her, just allowing the head entrance, teasing her with slow movements while he kissed and stroked her upper body.  
" I'm still a virgin, you know," She said in a tiny, hesitant voice. He instantly stopped moving.  
" Blair..." He said, disappointed but even just the tiniest bit hopeful. Would she let him...?  
" I want to... with you, I mean..." She said, blushing and hiding her face a little.  
" Are you sure?" He gulped.  
She just kissed him, hard and he forgot everything again. How did she do that?  
She struggled for a moment and then lowered slowly onto him, breaking right through her barrier and he tensed. Was she okay? Was there anything he could do? She rested her head against his shoulder and she breathed against his neck.  
" Just go slow," She said, jostling against him while trying to move him on top.  
" Are you hurting?" He asked, tense. It felt like his first time, in a way. She was so warm and tight, he wanted to engulf himself in her. It was the sensation of feeling so close to someone you could feel their discomfort.  
" Not as much as I thought," She said softly.  
He kissed her, as slow and soft as he would allow himself, and began to move very, _very_ gently within her, sliding his hand down to slowly rub her clit in gentle circles. She gasped a little and raked her nails across his back.  
" More!" She commanded, and he began to move a little bit faster, " More, More!"  
He worked until she cried out again in pleasure and then he finally let himself go, shuddering and pulling her against him in a warm embrace.

**Think Ahead...**

Chuck sat bolt upright from his dream as the sun began to peak over the London skyline. _Sweet Heavenly Jesus_...  
They hadn't used protection.

_ And then in the strange way things happen,  
The roles were reversed from that day:  
The hunted became the huntress,  
The hunter became the prey...  
- "Conquest" by the White Stripes_


	11. Where Is Your Boy Tonight?

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl in any way shape or form. Hell, I barely own my copies of the books.

**London...**

_ They hadn't used protection._  
Well, that 'calming nap' hadn't worked as well as he had wanted. He was sitting bolt upright on the slick, hotel bedspread, his heart pumping fit to burst. He could practically hear all of the pores on his body begin to pump cold sweat onto his skin.  
" Holy fucking shit!" He half-shouted. A car outside zoomed past in sympathy. He pushed himself off the bed frantically, falling onto his knees on the cushioned carpet, and scrambling without pretense to his hastily packed suitcase. He ripped open the zip, possibly breaking it in the process and began to shift his myriad possessions around angrily. Where the fuck was the...  
Ring box. Jesus. The past two weeks hit him like a ton of bricks and his mind reeled.  
He hastily flipped the velvet box open but one look at the ring sent him stumbling to his feet and lurching in the most unattractive way towards the bathroom door which he threw open with a loud crack as the doorknob hit the hard ceramic tiles. He vaguely heard a sickening snap as one of the tiles split from the force, but he was too focused on his destination. He fell to his knees as the watery saliva that his mouth had released in warning began to drip down his chin. He opened his mouth, shaking as he began to empty his stomach into the toilet. His eyes watered in pain, and his stomach muscles cramped in protest as he finally finished, spit, and collapsed shakily on the fuzzy yellow bathmat, shivering. He shut his eyes and tried to calm himself but all he could see was Blair: Blair crying in the bathroom at school, Blair above him in his limo, Blair asleep in his arms, Blair at school biting her lip in concentration, Blair, Blair, Blair.  
He opened his eyes angrily and his gaze rested on the velvet box still clutched in his hand so tightly it hurt. His hands quivering, he opened it again and pulled the smooth ring out of the plush blue velvet and turned it over in his hands, looking again at the newly engraved words...

_They were lying in bed after a particularly tender fuck as far as Chuck was concerned. She was lying against his side, her arm resting lazily on his chest.  
" Who was that girl you were talking to on the phone after school?" She asked, her voice forced into bland nonchalance.  
He laughed and her voice bobbed with his chest, " Jealous are we?"  
" Not at all," She said with more conviction than he was comfortable with, for some reason.  
" Amy's just a friend of mine. And so is Julia."  
" What?" She said, a little to excited to be as nonchalant as she was trying to be.  
He laughed again, feeling indulgent. She was sweet tonight, and vulnerable. His chest buzzed with an achy need for her affection and he pulled her closer to him.  
" I was talking to my friend **Jack**," He said with amused emphasis. She relaxed into his arms and the achy feeling was momentarily appeased. He ran his hands over her soft skin and pulled the sheet over them, cozying into her.  
They turned on their sides and looked at each other. It was hard at times like these for him to remind himself of the very pressing danger of her leaving him, which she could and most likely would do at any moment.  
" When I'm talking to someone who might actually make you jealous, I'll tell you, okay," He said teasingly.  
" You have a lot of girls, Chuck, but I doubt that any of them could make **me** jealous."  
" I think that of all those girls, there's only one that could do that."  
" Only one?"  
" Blair, this girl's amazing," He broke into a grin.  
She shoved him less playfully than he thought she intended, " Who is she?"  
His grin widened, and is body buzzed. This was it. This was when he'd tell her how much he loved her. But his brain knew just when to stop, and he hoped that his luck wouldn't run out.  
" I'll tell you soon." He replied, cuddling against her and planting a kiss on her temple._

The next time he had seen her, she had told him off before going to meet Nate at that nightclub. Jesus Christ.

_ When I wake up,  
I'm willing to take my chances on  
Hope...  
- " Grand Theft Autumn/ Where Is Your Boy?" by Fall Out Boy_


	12. Stupid PayPhones

Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own it.

**New York...**

Blair took another deep breath and tried in vain to button the tiny plastic buttons of her Brook's Brothers shirt. Her hands were shaking fit to kill and her palms were beginning to sweat. She tried to swallow down the feeling that she needed to throw up and stay calm. She had to do this, and she couldn't throw up. The combination of a plane ride and this stomach virus or whatever it was would make arriving in London about ten times as stressful. She finally buttoned the last tiny button and reached for the pair of tight jeans that lay on the bed. Her phone began to vibrate into the softness of her pillow and she lifted it to her ear without looking at the caller id.  
" Serena, I'm going out of town for just a few days, but I'm sure you can handle the final plans by yourself. Oh and we'll need another invitation for the Bass's... I, um, spilled some coffee on it. And Chuck isn't coming so that's one less..."  
" Waldorf, shut it," Chuck's masculine voice reverberated through Blair's brain and her mouth shut down completely.  
" Chuck..." She said, absently.  
" Is Nate there?" His voice sounded muffled.  
" Where are you calling from?" Her voice sounded dreamy and foreign. He had called. Maybe he missed her too, maybe he was remembering their time together the same way. She had planned on surprising him, but maybe this was better. He would meet her at the airport, and she would jump into his arms, and he would take her back to his luxury room at the Dorchester, where the Bass's always stayed in London, and they would have amazing sex, not that it had ever been less than amazing. But if he was meeting her, she would have to change her outfit. She looked down sadly at her new skintight Rogan jeans.  
" A public phone, it's costing a fucking fortune. Blair, is Nate there with you?" Chuck sounded angry, shaking her out of her reconciliation fantasy.  
" No... he's not. Why would he, it's eight am?" Blair replied.  
" So you... didn't go home with Nate last night?" He sounded almost confused and she nearly laughed.  
" No... Chuck, I needed to talk to you, I'm glad you called..." She began, hopefully.  
" Yeah, I need to talk to you too, Blair, and it's really important... Wait... Fucking coins..." Chuck sounded nervous and angry again, and she could hear some of the phone's buttons being pushed. Her heart began to race. Could he hear her?  
" I'm flying to London..." She said forcefully.  
" What? What are you... 'alking a... Lair... fucking hell this fucking... thing..."  
" Chuck? You're breaking up..."

**London...**

" Stupid Fucking Goddamn Piece of Shit Phone," Chuck fumbled, dropping some coins on the ground as the line went dead. He picked the receiver up again and hit it against the base angrily. She was coming here? What had she said, he couldn't be sure. Fuck it.  
He leaned up against the cool glass of the phone booth and tried to take a deep breath. He needed to ask her about their first time. He could only assume that she hadn't been on anything, and he, like the idiot that he was, had been so caught up in the fact that he had her in his limo he had forgotten all about condoms. He should have put one on...

_" I'm still a virgin, you know," She said in a tiny, hesitant voice. He instantly stopped moving.  
" Blair..." He said, disappointed but even just the tiniest bit hopeful. Would she let him...?  
" I want to... with you, I mean..." She said, blushing and hiding her face a little.  
" Are you sure?" He gulped.  
She just kissed him, hard and he forgot everything again. How did she do that?_

He groaned into the glass as he felt his... body wake up in memory of their first time. He tried to remind himself that feeling _that way_ was wrong, considering the situation they could possibly be in, but he couldn't help himself.  
_Blair..._

_ I can't control myself,  
when I see you there's no one else,  
when I get down all by myself  
you're the one that I think about...__  
- " Let's Make Out" by Does it Offend You, Yeah?_


	13. My Doorbell

Author's note: Well, I just suck. sorry!! But this chapter is a little smutty, just to make up for it. **If you don't want any smut, don't read the second section that starts with "An hour before..." You won't miss anything important.**  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip girl.

**Spotted: B leaving the penthouse with an overnight bag and taking a taxi to an unknown location. But I think we can guess...  
At least she looks fabulous. If you have to crawl back on your knees, do it in style.  
**  
**JFK...**

Blair sat in an absolutely unbearable blue plastic seat, trying to shift so that she didn't feel so damned uncomfortable. When did she decide that tight jeans were airport wear?  
She nervously fiddled with her large leather duffle, which was her purse and only luggage, spinning it around in her hands. The plane began seating in an hour, which gave her just too much time to worry. What if he had decided he didn't want her? It had been less than 24 hours ago that she had told him that she wanted to be with Nate.  
But he had told her he loved her. And he had kissed her.  
That kiss...  
If it had been his plan to win her back, that kiss was enough to do it. She felt butterflies in her stomach just thinking about it. Then again, that also might have been the fact that she hadn't eaten breakfast. She hadn't been lucky with keeping food down in the past few days. She put it down to the stress of planning the ASPCA gala, along with this whole Chuck debacle. She brought her luggage with her and bought a muffin from a snack cart.

**An hour before, in London...**

_Warm kisses, hungry begging, holding her hand..._  
Chuck walked back to the hotel, scowling. Stupid fucking pay phone. Stupid fucking... fantasies. He swallowed hard, trying to control himself to avoid drawing attention._ Just get to the room, and I'll take care of myself..._  
He passed the front desk and hurried into the ancient elevator, trying to rest his hands inconspicuously in front of his groin._ Soft skin, brown hair, breathy voice..._  
Damn.  
He should not be fantasizing about a possible mother of his possible unborn child. He had only been away from her for a day, for god's sake, and he was behaving like a Blair-obsessed fourteen-year-old. Or, more specifically, himself at fourteen. She had been his personal fantasy material ever since he had entered puberty, but the past couple of weeks had felt like a dream come true. He sighed, then caught himself, smiling politely at the old lady who joined him in the elevator.  
_Gasping moans, quiet pleas, his name on her lips..._  
He walked stiffly down the hallway to his room, throwing the door open and collapsing in the crappy easy chair near the door, which he closed with a bang. He looked moodily about the darkened room, the only light coming from the edges of the blackout drapes. At first he tried to remember one of their times together, but his chest constricted painfully at the thought that there would most likely never be another time. She was coming here, and he could only assume that it was to tell him that she was pregnant, or possibly that she and Nate were getting married, or something equally painful.  
His erection wouldn't go away. He didn't even try to settle himself down any more, he knew it was a losing battle. Closing his eyes, he imagined her here, kneeling between his legs and looking up at him with that mixture of deviance and innocence that drove him wild. He let out a slow moan as he slowly unzipped his own zipper and stroked himself through his boxers teasingly. He imagined her hot breath on his inner thigh.  
_I love you, Chuck,_ he envisioned her saying.  
He slowly pulled his hard erection out of the slit in his boxers, imagining it was her. He opened his shirt and ran his fingers lazily along his chest, sending shivers up and down his spine. He visualized her touching him with those delicate fingers. He could practically see her in front of him, breathing heavily and stroking him greedily. She was the only girl he had ever met who had loved to see him pleasured. Most of the girls he knew were only interested in what he could do for them, and he hadn't disappointed.

_ " I love to see you... you know..." She had said once.  
" Cum?" He was incredulous.  
She blushed, " Yeah. You look so amazing when you..."  
" Cum?"  
" Yeah."_

And she had been so vocal about it, with such an appetite. Don't confuse him, he never neglected her, But the fact that she had been so interested in his satisfaction was just so sexy.  
He imagined her hot little mouth on his cock, looking up at him with her soft brown eyes. He let out a low groan and then a gasp when he felt a familiar tingling and then it was over. Blossoms of light burst from behind his closed eyes and his hand was covered with streams of hot cum before he could even take another breath. Opening his eyes, the sensation was broken as he realized that she wasn't there for any warm, post-coital kisses.  
He looked at the door longingly, and reached for the expensive hotel phone, dialing her cell phone number. It went straight to messaging and he took a deep breath.  
_ " Hey, you've reached 555-0208, I'm not here right now, so please leave a message." beep_  
He paused for a long time, and took a shuddering breath, " Blair. I... I don't know what you said at the end of the call but... if you're coming to London I'm staying at the Phillips, not the Dorchester. Um... If you're really pregnant, I'll take care of the baby if you don't want to or... I guess... Oh, I don't know anything. Um... I don't know... call me back. Please." He hesitated, " goodbye."

_ Well I'm Tired Of Sitting Here Waiting,  
Woman what'cha gonna do now, what'cha gonna do about it?  
I'm thinkin' about my doorbell  
When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it?__  
- "My Doorbell" by The White Stripes  
_


	14. Touch

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip girl.  
Author's note: No smuttyness. And personally to Blood Red Kiss of Death: It's not weird to like it. I know that I loved writing it, especially the weird little conversation they had.

**En Route to London...**

" Experiencing some minor turbulence..."  
Blair hated plane rides. They were tedious beyond belief. No matter how many iPod playlists, and silly novels, and trashy fashion magazines she brought, planes made her claustrophobic and frustrated. She pushed her soft satin eye mask over her eyes and tried to ignore the rest of the plane. Even first class was discomforting and cramped. What she really wanted was to be lying in her bed at home in the early morning as it rained outside and she was safe and warm in Chuck's arms.

_He whimpered in his sleep and she awoke. His arms were spread wide and she was cuddled into his side as he breathed deeply. She pulled him in closer, resting her head against his shoulder as her hand went to lazily caress the warm bloom of heat that radiated from his neck. He let out a deep breath laced with a nasal snore. She giggled, dragging her fingers across his warm skin once more.  
Outside it was raining heavy sheets against the closed window. The soft silk curtains betrayed a hint of the drowsy grey light that the rain gave. There was nothing she loved more than being warm and cozy inside while having the delicious shiver of knowing the cold biting wetness outside. She swore she could feel the rain deep inside her, sense it.  
She looked back down at Chuck's peaceful sleeping face. It was so... weird being comforted here in his arms. It seemed foreign and strange to her that this boy, who had been her friend and nothing more for so long, made her feel so... safe.  
"Of course, it's just a fling," she told herself, even as she stroked Chuck's cheek and cuddled in closer to his side, " I belong with Nate."  
Nate. The boy who had given her what she thought she wanted for years. He was meant to be the only one for her, her right, her destiny. Nate.  
Chuck. The boy who... she couldn't help but be addicted to. It had only been a week- was it even so long- since that day in the bathroom. Winter vacation had began and Chuck seemed to have her all to himself. And she felt... she didn't know how she felt about that. He was so different from what she was supposed to want. He wasn't always as kind as he could be, he was noisy, obnoxious, loving, confusing... Nate was safe, quiet, inane, withholding, and confused. Blair didn't know what she wanted.  
His breath caught up and then relaxed again as she looked at him, her fingers lightly tracing his profile. His pale skin, round pink cheeks, his softly rounded nose, strong jaw, his dark hair that fanned out in soft waves on her white pillowcase. His eyes were closed, the eyelids fluttering slightly with his deep intakes of air, accented with long, curling black lashes. His features were almost feminine, delicate in a way, but with a vague expression of cruelty that she just couldn't place. She was almost afraid of him this way. He looked like he was about to jump up and attack her.  
He took a slow breath, " That tickles," He muttered, his arm reaching up to encompass her roving hand in his own generous palm.  
She flinched, " How long were you awake?"  
He ignored her, " Do you always sigh at the rain?"  
" What?"  
" You were looking out the window and making these little huffy sighing noises. Were you thinking about something?" He mumbled elegantly and turned towards her, his round brown eyes still sleepy.  
" I do not make huffy sigh noises!" She protested. She had been quiet, she didn't want to wake him.  
" Mmm... or someone?" He continued, eyebrows slightly raised.  
" No I wasn't!" She said crossly, moving away from him towards the edge of her mammoth bed. He caught her waist easily and dragged her back to him as she squealed.  
" I don't care who or what you're thinking about. You're here, now," He said, laying kisses along her jaw.  
" You don't care what I'm thinking about, as long as I open my legs," She giggled, only partially serious, and turned to look at him. He frowned and made a strangled little half-growl, pulling her tighter.  
" Not true," He countered darkly. He spoke so softly she could've sworn he was hurt. But of course he couldn't be hurt. It was only a fling...  
Only a fling...  
_  
Blair hugged her pillow to ease some of the ache. He had infected her so much her body missed him while he was gone, almost as much as she did. She pulled her legs up in front of her and cuddled around the pillow she had brought from home. Closing her eyes, she welcomed the fall into an dreamless sleep.  
She woke up to a loud, piercing noise that came over the speakers, " Hello passengers, this is your pilot. We'll be landing at Heathrow in about fifteen minutes. Passengers should place their chairs and trays into their full and upright position. It's about 34 degrees, a beautiful winter day in England. If this is a stop for another flight, we hope you will continue..." Blair opened her arms wide and stretched, whipping off her eye mask and looking around wildly. She glanced at her scattered belongings on the floor at her feet and assumed she must have kicked it over in her sleep. Blair began scooping up the various loose items strewn near her leather boots. In process she grabbed her iPhone and turned it on to check the time in New York. She waited for the final flashes of the power up. A message popped up: " 1 NEW VOICEMAIL MESSAGE: LISTEN NOW? LATER?" She hit "now" unthinkingly and held the phone to her ear.

_  
I just need your touch,  
I just need your honey  
I just need your sweet celebration of love, dedication and trust.  
I just need your lust,  
I just need your company,  
I just need to feel the sensation that's making me want you so much...__  
- "Touch" by Awake and Dreaming  
_


	15. Delivery

Disclaimer: standard, I don't own _Gossip Girl_ in any way, shape, or form.

**A cab, downtown London, around 6:00 PM...**

Blair slammed her open palm against the cheap leather seat and ordered the driver to go faster. Her heart hadn't stopped racing since she had fled the plane in a panic, running through the airport with her hair flying wildly behind her, hair everywhere. Anyone that got in her way was doomed. She was a woman with a purpose: find Chuck.

Blair hit the buttons automatically to listen to the message again.  
It began with the sound of a drawn in breath: " _Blair. I... I don't know what you said at the end of the call but... if you're coming to London I'm staying at the Phillips, not the Dorchester. Um... If you're really pregnant, I'll take care of the baby if you don't want to or... I guess... Oh, I don't know anything. Um... I don't know... call me back. Please._"  
A long pause, then: " _goodbye_."

" Can you go any faster?" She said impatiently to the driver.  
" Madam, I'm going as fast as I can, the roads are wet," He responded, clearly frustrated.  
She sighed angrily and glared at the back of his head. _If this were New York, he would be screaming at me already_, she thought, _why couldn't Chuck have run away to Brooklyn?_

_Chuck_.

Oh damn. What was he talking about? Blair kept doing the sums in her head and it just _couldn't_ add up. She had a stomach virus. She _willed_ herself to believe that she had a stomach virus.

" _Hello, you've reached..._"  
She called his number once more, and yet again it went to voicemail. She had already left three messages, all incredulous and suspicious. Why did everything have to be complicated? She wanted him back so badly, but his message hadn't said a thing about her. If she was pregnant, what would happen? Would he keep loving her like he said he did? Would he marry her? Or would he leave her like he had by going to London? She didn't want to deal with this alone and she needed him there, in the cab with her, racing to fix this problem, maybe even shouting at the stick-up-his-butt cabbie.  
Or was it a problem? She wanted him back, and this was her chance to have him. Was that wrong? Was she a bitch for seeing this as a way to keep him? She felt like a bitch. Then again, maybe he wouldn't want her. He could just saddle her with the responsibility, and see the baby on weekends or only every once in a while.

Oh God, a baby.

She could kick herself but it could very well be true. They hadn't used protection the first time. She should have fought for it. Now she was going to become one of those stupid girls held up for sex-ed class: _Blair Waldorf was going to be top of her class before she blew it by sleeping with a boy unprotected. Now she lives in Queens with a child and no husband, no job..._

Blair was constantly in fear of moving to Queens.

But what if she was pregnant? Her mother could very well throw her out, and then where would she go? What if Chuck didn't want to take care of her? What if he took the baby- Ohmygodbaby- and left?  
What if she wasn't pregnant at all, and Chuck left her for good? He said he loved her, but then that kiss and he was gone and it felt like he had been saying goodbye in some weird, wordless way. What if he didn't want her anymore and his kiss had been his way of saying it's over? What if the only reason he had called her was the possible pregnancy, and he really wanted her to go away? If she wasn't pregnant, would he still want to talk to her?  
Blair's head was spinning, absolutely running wild with "what if's". She felt slightly feint and the next thing she knew the cab was parked, asshole cabbie was reviving her, and as she out of the cab door which had been opened she saw him.

_Chuck_.

Sitting on a barstool and fooling with a little box, looking for all the world like he was going to cry.

_Here comes a delivery,  
Straight from the heart of my misery,  
So, comes a delivery,  
Straight from the heart. to. you. _  
- "Delivery" by Babyshambles

A/N  
Yeah, I know, I still suck. But here's something for you: what does the "delivery" refer to?


	16. Dream Girl & Dream Boy

Disclaimer: Ich besitze nicht Gossip Girl (I don't own Gossip Girl)

**In Mickey's Bar, downtown London, around 6:15 PM...**

Chuck could have cried like a little girl. He felt helpless. Was she in London? Was she in New York? Was she in fucking Argentina? He didn't know.  
He hated not knowing where she was. Maybe that was possessive, but he could have cared less.  
Was she safe? What if something bad happened? It was all about safety to Chuck. It stemmed from growing up in four houses with a myriad of constantly changing caregivers. He wanted to know where everyone was all the time because he had been too often left behind, not told when anything had happened, not feeling safe.  
He knew where his father would be: out to lunch, probably with the curvy German PR girl who had spent the night over last week. Nate would be asleep, regardless. Come fire or brimstone, Nate didn't get up before two pm unless it was a school day. Serena would be either puttering around her apartment or shopping for some dumb thing or another for that stupid party Blair was throwing.  
Chuck stared at his scotch and soda listlessly. He hadn't really wanted it when he ordered it, but now he had the urge to get uncontrollably drunk and try to forget all his worries. He tossed back a large swallow, suppressing the urge to cough as it burned his throat.  
What if nothing bad happened to her but she still devastated him? It didn't seem like he could sink any lower into himself, but he had the sinking suspicion that he could. At least he had left without any huge, looming embarrassment. Although in hindsight he felt like an idiot. He had just been under her thumb, not stopping to realize that she might never grow to have feelings for him. She was just living for her dream man, and Chuck knew he could never live up to that. Dream men didn't take a girl's virginity while she was vulnerable (without protection), or run away to London (when the dream girls broke their hearts). But then again dream girls weren't supposed to break your heart in the end. Chuck's mind raged between the wish to escape back into the optimist fantasy that Blair had slept with him because she actually cared for him, and the crushing despair of his pessimism. She was probably coming all this way to tell him in person that Nate didn't want his baby to be seen by Chuck's pitiful self.  
Of course, it would never cross Chuck's mind that no one who was planning on saying ' I don't love you' would fly halfway around the world to say it.  
The velvet box sat on the bar, beckoning. _I dare you to look at me again_, it said, _I dare you to feel the crush of heartbreak again._  
He took another drink and concentrated on the depressing lustre of the bar, turning the velvet box over in his hand heavily.  
He did not hear the cab park outside, nor the cabdriver's rush to revive the unconscious passenger. He did not hear the passenger's hurried excuse and payment, nor her rush inside the bar.  
No, in the end, all Chuck could recollect was feeling the fleeting sensation of a body's presence near his, and the softly spoken, " Chuck?"  
He turned around, astonished, " Blair?"  
For a moment they both froze. For all the riches in the world, Chuck couldn't have remembered his name if prompted. She was _there_, so deliciously _tangible_ next to him. The soft smell of her Dior cologne wafted over him and is hand tightened imperceptibly around the velvet box. Her face was caught between expressions of mind-blowing shock and mind-blowing happiness. Red lips, raven hair, creamy skin: she looked too good to be true.  
And then he blew it.  
" You're pregnant, aren't you? We're fucked."

_The girl I dream about,  
Her face is oh so clear,  
Are you real or is it just my imagination?  
The way I feel defies a logical explanation.  
- " The Girl I Dream About," by Bobby Caldwell_

**A/N** To the people who requested that I put more returns and spaces in my chapters, I have to give two reasons for not making those changes:  
**1)** believe it or not, most of my editing on documents has lapsed, so all I can work with is the last, like, three chapters, unless I literally replace every document with a new one. Which is hard because I'd have to copy it, put it onto GoogleDocs, convert it to HTML, and then upload it to . Yeah, I do all that to put out a chapter.  
**2)** I made the last chapter with more returns to split it into blocks so that it would be easier to read, but I have to admit something: I hate it. That's just not how I write. It drives me nuts. So in the interest of me being able to read my own work, I'll probably change it back. I'm sorry if the story is somehow harder to read but... take it or leave it.  
**Anyway**: thanks to everyone who took the time to read! Just a few more chapters to go, I think.


	17. Makes Me Nervous

Disclaimer: I really do not own Gossip Girl

**Together now...**

" You're pregnant, aren't you? We're fucked."  
Blair could feel her face heat up like a forest fire. She hadn't expected him to say anything like that. Hadn't he said he loved her? She felt like crying. Her lower lip began to tremble and she took a deep, shaky breath.  
" I could be, I don't know," Her voice belied a hint of betrayal but she tried to cover it with a cough. Why had she come here, again?  
His eyes were hard, but he looked tired. And he wouldn't meet her eyes. She felt stupid, foolish for coming to see him when he clearly was just worried about saving his own hide  
Her mind instantly filled in the rest of the story: thrown out by her mother and abandoned by Chuck, forced to live in a crappy but hopefully somehow chic apartment, raising the baby alone. But she brushed a tear away from her face as her brain hopefully added a remorceful Chuck coming to rescue her, and her eventually taking him back after proving his devotion.  
Stupid imagination.  
Her vision was blurry with tears and her stomach ached and she just wanted to go somewhere to cry and cry and cry until all these feelings went away.  
And then suddenly he looked at her with those hazel eyes that had made her recklessly succumb to his kiss in the bathroom just over a week ago. How had this happened in a week? She went from weak innocent Blair to the Blair that had so brazenly stepped into a new world, first with sex and then with feelings that until now had been what she identified as want and lust and maybe a little lingering affection.  
_Oh God, I love him_, she thought.  
She looked back into his eyes in utter amazement and joy and then it all came crashing around her. He had said it, but did he mean it? He looked angry, very very angry, and he slipped something into his pocket from the bar. She couldn't imagine how to fix this situation, and her thoughts were cloudy and uncertain. This wasn't like being doubtful of Nate, not at all. There was too much at stake for her. What if she said that she loved him, and he laughed. Chuck just wasn't the soft type.  
Except for that kiss... she was so confused. Why couldn't things be simple?

**

* * *

**

**Together Then...**

Blair lay back against the crisp ivory sheets as Chuck stood next to the bed, nervously looked at her, smiling in a way that did not quite reach his eyes. He had never thought of himself as nervous before but he supposed it made sense. He had just slept with his best friend's ex girlfriend, barely an hour after they had broken up.  
His mind should have been racing. Surely he should have been feeling some regret? She had just, literally just lost her virginity to him. But none was forthcoming. She looked sweet and innocent, asleep in his rumpled uniform shirt, concealing a body underneath which he knew was so temptingly, deliciously feminine. Wasn't the first time supposed to be awkward, painful, unpleasant for her? Was it really as wonderful as she had said?

_ They had just gotten to her bedroom as she reached for him again, soft pale arms winding around his neck. He had assumed she would be shy, a nervous virgin, but she was eager, delighted. It was like she had made this discovery and was totally intent on exploring all of it.  
" Again? Haven't you had enough for the first time, Waldorf?" He wanted to keep it light, to keep her from beginning to regret it.  
" Not really..." She said absentmindedly while kissing his neck.  
" Aren't you sore?" He asked, sort of desperate. He was nervous about what would happen once they finally got to her apartment. He had expected a terse talk, maybe tense cuddling, regret, awkwardness. Not this.  
" Not now. Please, more? It was soo good," She had begged, pouted. She was so spoiled, but he could not, would not disappoint her. As long as she would touch him like that, he couldn't deny her._

He was so afraid of her regret. Her disappointment. Was she dreaming of Nate now? He reached down and brushed her cheek affectionately, a gesture he would be too afraid to do when she was awake. He was so afraid, so goddamned fucking afraid of vulnerability. He could feel it in his bones that he was going to fuck this up, whatever it was. He could not get hurt, at all costs, and she could wound him so badly, kill him. He had to keep his feet beneath him, or he would lose himself to her.

_ Really think I better get a hold of myself,  
Don't wanna let the night get ahead of myself.  
Whisperin' her love through a smoke ring smile,  
She doesn't know what happens when she's around.  
- " Think I'm in love," by Beck_

**A/N** I just suck. A lot has changed and it took me a long time to get over my writer's block, but here it is.


	18. Seeing and Not Seeing

Disclaimer: I really do not own Gossip Girl  
A/N: Now in easy-to-read format, cuz i was being a heinous bitch.

* * *

**Today...**

" I could be, I don't know," She was blushing and her voice sounded shaky. Chuck tried to keep an angry expression on his face, but it was difficult.

_ At whatever cost, I can't give myself away. I can't be hurt again._

There was a long pause, and she looked on the verge of tears. Damn her. Damn her if she cried. Damn her if she didn't. He wanted so badly to be angry at her, it physically hurt him. His head hurt, his arms hurt, his chest was imploding even as he sat there. She was so... so something.

" Well do you want to go find out?" He offered sulkily, "We can go to a chemists around the corner."

She looked at the ground, clearly uncomfortable with the whole conversation. Probably wishing she hadn't come all this way. Wishing she wasn't here with him. Wishing wishing wishing... always wishing. Sometimes her dream life made him sick.

" If you want." what an answer. He wanted to hurt her now, hurt her for all this. For wanting and wandering after her when she didn't care a thing about him.

But he knew he couldn't hurt her, not intentionally. Of course, she was hurt. She was hurt beyond his belief.

* * *

Blair waited obediently as Chuck got off the bar stool and gracefully retrieved his coat from where it hung. He swung his scarf around his neck and opened the bar door open for her in one fluid motion. She watched him as the drizzling rain clung to his soft hair in little droplets and he walked down the street on the outside, like a gentleman. Of course she knew he was just being polite, like all boys she knew he was strictly trained in how to treat a girl.

But every polite gesture made her heart throb. She wanted to believe that he did these things because he cared for her, and especially her. Of course she loved this man. She wouldn't fly halfway around the world just because she wanted his body, although she did still want that. He was just so devastatingly right for her. Strong and smart and devious, clever enough to be her equal. Not an accessory, like Nate was, but an asset.

Now that she saw her feelings for him clearly, it made so much sense.

They walked down the street in icy silence, even though Blair was begging herself to say something, anything. There was just this huge, looming, black cloud of doom over them.

But he broke the silence first, " So what should we do, you know, if..."

She tried to stay level-headed, " Well, I don't want to..." But she couldn't say the word.

" Kill it?" He was so blunt. Before she had found that so irritating. But now she just wanted to kiss him, oddly enough.

" I couldn't do that, I'm sorry," she said. _Because it's ours._

" Don't be sorry," He took a long pause, and she could feel his eyes on her, " I couldn't either."

They walked down a few blocks, Blair's heart hammering in time with her steps all the way. She wanted to ask him to stand by her and help her if she needed it. She wanted to ask him to hold her and tell her it was going to be ok. She was not ready to do this. It was so scary. She wanted- so, so badly- to tell him she loved him and wanted him whether there was a baby or not. He was so incredible. If he loved her before, could this scare him out of it? She wanted to know. But she knew she was too afraid to ask.

" Here it is. Saw it on the way to the bar. My hotel's just a few blocks up," He was so stilted and formal. Blair wanted to throw herself at him and cry on his big warm chest. But she didn't dare.

" Ok, but hold on," She fumbled with her garnet ring, slipped it of her right hand and on to her left ring finger. She wanted to avoid any disapproving stares. Then, before he could open it for her, she walked purposefully through the jingling glass door.

Had she looked up, she would have seen Chuck's ashen expression as he stared at her beautiful hands. He was nearly crying.

_Oh my love for the first time in my life,  
My eyes are wide open,  
Oh my lover for the first time in my life,  
My eyes can see.  
- "Oh My Love," by John Lennon_


End file.
